I'm with Coco

First off, the man’s own words as released in a statement on Tuesday, January 12th.

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night, and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004, I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late-night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move The Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate The Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years, The Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying The Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t The Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move, I will be knocking The Late Night Show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard, and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that, with DVRs and the Internet, a time slot doesn’t matter. But with The Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network, but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,
Conan

I love this statement…although it sounds a bit to me like someone smiling on their deathbed. “It’s okay, I’ve had a good life.” Lucky for all of us Conan isn’t taking things that lightly. In a world where principle is hardly ever acted upon anymore, in this statement, Conan has also — and pardon my french — shown his big red balls. If we’re really lucky, NBC will follow them. If not, they will bounce and, to NBC’s dismay, many will follow the red bouncing balls all the way to Fox.

It seems bizarre now that it was a scant half-year ago when Conan got his name on the marquee that might burn brightest in all television to press releases and billboards on behalf of NBC crowning him “the king of late-night.” Oh how the mighty have fallen. I receive daily press releases from NBC’s television division. Today’s offered quotes from Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. Nevermind the obvious news. Nevermind viewers. Nevermind contracts. Nevermind the reasonable. Nevermind trust. Nevermind loyalty.

And nevermind the art. Ask plenty of dramatic actors and they’ll tell you comedy is a harder weight to pull. An audience in a drama may only be asked to look contemplative. At a comedy, joy, surprise, shock, maybe even a spit-take or your soda coming out your nose are the aim. Don’t tell me comedy isn’t an art — a trade and skill acquired, honed and mastered. And comedy masters? There’s a few. Conan O’Brien falls in this category.

Jay Leno is comedy spam. He is a bland packaged mystery meat fit for the starving only, and only because they’d beg. Even NBC will tell you Conan’s demo is that coveted 18-39 set. Leno’s is your Aunt Mable. I know what you’re thinking. “I don’t have an Aunt Mable.” Neither do I. So who exactly is NBC doing this for? Where are the Aunt Mables of the world, and why do they content themselves with chewing down comedy cardboard with drying gums?

If NBC does not flinch in what has now become their very public game of chicken with Conan, they will back up all those truckloads of dollars to their Burbank lot at the expense of the show. They will sell shows out for business and they will burn to ash the throneroom sitting atop the kingdom of comedy, The Tonight Show. The world is ever-changing — Conan recognized this in his statement — but he knows what The Tonight Show means — its place in history — and I believe he meant to adapt the show as host but never to destroy it. Leave that to Leno.

This is possible by the way comedy and the comedy institutions don’t have to be relegated to our iPods and iPhones. Saturday Night Live, another such comedy bedrock, has very successfully added its digital short skits. That’s called adaptability, evolution, staying relevant. Faced with the prospect of change, NBC brass races instead to the dinosaur. And Leno isn’t even a cool one — he’s the biggest, slowest, leaf-eating, sh*t-filled one of the bunch. (Sidebar: I love and have loved many things NBC has done, like SNL, and have long thought it the “coolest” network. But not only am I losing my cool, they’re losing theirs…)

Sure, Leno seems like a nice guy. A nice guy that sells you a used car with an engine that blows its head gasket ten blocks away. “Oops!” he says with a smile. Well gee whiz, what a guy! And you know what? Those truckloads of money are hardly assured, because soon enough people grow wise and stop buying from your lot. Aunt Mable might still accidentally leave her TV on through the evening news, nodding off in her bed full of cats to give Leno a ratings point should he come back to 11:30, but anyone with a single taste-bud or self-respect will stop feeding at the trough. Leno, like the dinosaur, thank God, cannot last forever. His show — I’m telling you, NBC — will end. It can end catastrophically in a meteor (which would be great, by the way) or slowly, sinking into a tar-pit, watching evolution around it. This is more likely. Those truck-beds, probably sooner than later, will start coming up empty.

NBC, you’re killing it — killing it for the people that get it. The joke. That get jokes. That get varied and real and flavorful funny. You are absolutely spitting in the soup. You are filling it with flies and hair, and you’re not even leaving salt on the table. And you’re stubborn about it. Saying Leno’s show at 10:00 was as profitable as you’d hoped but blaming its cancellation on PR and affiliates…well boohoo. What kind of PR war do you think you’ll have on your hands now?

No no. Us Conan fans will not watch quietly into that good night.

Damn. Conan’s statement is calm, measured, and bitter-sweetly funny, but I’m sure deep down he’s got to be angry like me. Because what does a TV show really mean in the long run? I don’t see robbery. I don’t think you’re taking “my” Conan away. I know you’ll get smart or he’ll be someplace else. No, I see injustice. What does it say when the stars don’t even get their due? Everyone grinding their teeth every day at their clock-in, clock-out, doing what you must to get by at jobs that may bitch about the contracts and payouts to the rich and famous…but in some way there’s comfort in that too — seeing that these people, at least some of them who went out on a limb working hard dream-chasing, were actually rewarded for their efforts. It makes you think maybe, just maybe, if I reached too, I could…lose my job after barely being given a chance to fill it?

Look, Conan hasn’t always been as funny or comfortable in his Tonight Show duties as he was on Late Night, but you’ve got to give it time — the same time that was afforded Conan back in his start 17 or so years ago. Remember that? From a business perspective, you built a brand. You nurtured it this long, and now you’re going to Old Yeller it in the backyard office rooms of NBC Universal, and it’s not even sick. What will that do to all the boys of the world? All the loyal followers over the years? All the MEs? I’ve been watching that man since I was 12 and I’m convinced I’ve learned more useful skills from him than I did in college classes that cost me so much more.

I suppose I’m rambling now, and to no one. What was meant to be an article has turned into an open letter. But you know what, stars? You shouldn’t go on Leno’s new show. Sure, you might get some nebulous, unmeasurable benefit like an extra ticket or two sold for your movie, but how could you really tell? (Yes, read in between the lines here — I’m talking about a boycott!) How about something concrete instead, like respect? Yeah, NBC, what about respect? What about old-timey notions like trust and honor? What about contracts, for that matter?

As for me, I’ll follow Mr. O’Brien and hope you all take his statement seriously. Go ahead and give him the home he thought he had. That his staff thought they had. Buy up what you can’t sell shares of: trust and respectability. Because it is a brand that we’re talking about, and also real live human beings. Like your viewers. And who knows where they’ll go?

I can tell you, I’m with Coco.

Comedian Patton Oswalt takes up the O’Brien cause, and compares Leno to Nixon!

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